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Title:
Starbucks at the End of the Universe UnPlugged
Author: Res (resqdog51@hotmail.com)
Archive: M/A (Master Apprentice)
Pairing: N/A
Category: Humor!
Rating: NC-17...technically...I think...
Warnings: General sillyness and irreverence. If THIS bothers you, boy are YOU on the wrong list!
Spoilers: None
Summary: In response to requests for a sequel to my response to Master Ruth's challenge ever so long ago.... Unplugged night at our favorite Starbucks...anything can happen at the End of the Universe!
Disclaimer: I only own me (Res) and 'My Friend'. All the others, I just borrowed. Please don't sue me...I was only kidding!
Feedback: Sure! Love it! I promise not to bite...at least, not unless requested!
Notes: At the end, so as not to spoil some of the surprises...
THANKS: To everyone (Master Ruth, Minuet, Sheltiesong, ADMAllen, MJ, MrsHemill, BlackRose, RavenD, Evermore, Helena Aenea, MaliWane, Norma Jean Doe, The Fox, Pfyre, Judy Bearleft, and Coan_teen) who gave me this list of stuff, situations and people, ever so very long ago. Sorry it took me so long, and I hope it was, if not worth the wait, then at least amusing enough you'll forgive me for getting runover by RL. To Sneezer222, Ninglor, and MJ, for their support, encouragement, feedback and betaing. But most especially to Ninglor...because she said 'WRITE'. So I did.
Wow, it sure was crowded tonight. Tucking my roaring Chewbacca keychain in my pocket, I paused on my way to the front door to admire the Jolly Roger artwork on the wing of a fighter plane parked on the tarmac, then shook my head when I spotted an old-fashioned sea-going battleship sliding into orbit just past the stationary parking facilities. Yep...definitely crowded. But then, it usually was on Unplugged night.
Pressing thru the doors, I cringed for a moment, inundated by the noise of espresso machines, chatting friends and the occasional whine of a microphone moved too close to a speaker, then made my way toward the line at the counter as I looked around. They'd really gone all out in the décor for tonight, even to plugging in my favorite lava lamp, the one with all the lightsaber parts floating in it. By the stage was a small desk with the sign-up sheet for the night's entertainment, stocked with a matching set of purple pens, a purple stapler and staple remover, a tape dispenser, purple file folders and purple post-it notes, as well as what appeared to be a grocery list tucked under the clear deskpad. A small hand-held vacuum was pushed under the desk, next to a bag of kitty litter...I didn't really want to wonder why.
"I'll have a gingersnap cookie and a grande' chai.... No...maybe I'd better have the chocolate bundt cake and a tall latte...? No, make it an espresso brownie and, how about a venti irish cream steamer! No...." The tall man in front of me sighed in exasperation as the bug-eyed little creature in the Hawaiian shirt and plaid boxer shorts at the front of the line changed his mind yet again, his yellow, feather-fine hair waving with each word. "Make it a...."
"WIMBLY! Just take something!" Another creature, this one with purple head-fur, shouted at the little one from a corner of the room. "We can't hold the chair forever! And I thought you wanted to hear Uncle Matt's postcard!"
The man in front of me sighed again and shoved his greasy hair back (ewww...didn't he ever wash it?) and turned to look at me with a resigned expression as Hawaiian Shirt gibbered and changed his mind yet again, grasping his tail and tying a knot in it. "He's been doing this for 10 minutes," the man growled, glowering and shifting the zucchini he was holding into the crook of his arm as he reached into his pocket and pulled out an ugly yellow hair scrunchy.
I just shrugged and eased a step backward to avoid flying grease, as he flipped his hair up and pulled it back with the scrunchy, then scratched at his manly amount of stubble. I blinked at the sight of a surprisingly feminine star pendant hanging from a silver chain around his neck, then eyed the slogan on the greasy man's shirt. 'Still Not King.' Whatever THAT meant....
"I love you! You love -- AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!"
"Eh-oh! Eh-oh! Eh-oh!"
Startled, I turned to look towards the door behind me, where a large purple dinosaur was being mauled by four brightly colored, hiccupping creatures with viewscreens in their stomachs and very strangely shaped antennas sticking out the tops of their heads. The creatures dragged the screaming dinosaur outside.
I exchanged wide-eyed looks with the greasy man and we both decided that we'd get our drinks later, quickly moving away from the doors. I dodged a pair of men in black suits discussing the merits of lubricating something called a 'Cricket' with a tube of Skin-so-Soft vs. regular oil, (though how they could see a thing with those two pairs of dark sunglasses on, I have no clue), and wove past an arguing group of kids in medieval costumes. I had to duck when the little blonde kid in the barbarian costume flipped his massive club up to his shoulder saying, "Come on, Uni...let's get some hot chocolate," putting his hand on the golden mane of the little bleating unicorn who accompanied him.
"Wait...We'll come with you!" A boy in glasses and a pointy hat hurried after the pair, dragging a blonde girl in a cloak after him. The brown Amazonian girl and the whiny cavalier didn't seem to notice as they left, although the blond ranger rolled his eyes and smiled at me as I passed, making my way to my friends' usual booth in the back.
Obi was already there, thumbing thru an Encyclopedia of Unusual Sexual Practices, face intent as he jotted down notes on black post-it notes with a white ink pen, tagging pages in the book. He jumped in surprise when I plopped down next to him, then grinned at me. "Hey, Res! Long time no see!" He put down the book and reached under the table, "I've got something to show you!"
I chuckled back, "Hey...," hiding my amusement as he hauled out a bag and started putting things on the table.
"Look what Qui-Gon got me!" Obi proudly held out a set of fluffy feather boas in a rainbow of colors, then pulled out a snowglobe with a hedgehog figurine in it. "I collect hedgehogs," he admitted bashfully, as he pulled out a set of four stuffed hedgehogs in the traditional 'No Evil' poses, a stash of Fun Dip candy in colors that matched the feather boas, and some multicolored ribbons and tinkling bells suitable for entwining in someone's hair.
I picked up the See-No-Evil hedgehog and admired it. "Very nice..." I put him back with Hear-No-Evil and Say-No-Evil, then picked up Do-No-Evil and chuckled at the embarrassed look on the hedgehog's face. "I didn't know hedgehogs could blush...."
Obi grinned and started shoveling hedgehogs and other gifts back into his bag, scooping up a praying mantis finger-puppet I'd missed. "Qui-Gon had to step into the restroom to change out of his 'Glinda the Good Witch' costume...he should be back in a moment. Have you heard that there's to be a special session of Sith Sings the Blues tonight?" He tucked his Encyclopedia away with the hedgehogs, and picked up a menu as Qui-Gon suddenly appeared at my shoulder.
"Hey, Res! You made it! Your friend can't come; she's got finals tomorrow and wanted to cram." He slipped into the booth next to Obi, and leaned over to look at the menu. "Extra long noodles, Obi...you promised!" He shifted uncomfortably, then pulled a small Force Trivia book out from under his rump, grimacing as he chucked it into the bag on the other side of Obi. Then his jaw dropped. "Would you look at that?"
Obi and I both turned to look. Entering the coffee house were nine tall figures swathed in black shrouds, led by a horny-headed, red-faced man with bad teeth. The red-faced man rubbed his horns a moment, then approached the barista only to be pointed in the direction of the stage. He nodded and pulled out a tube of toothpaste and a Love Bandit Raccoon toothbrush, heading for the restrooms at the back of the coffee house as he waved the black robes toward the stage, each carrying what appeared to be a battered guitar case. Most of the cases had worn bumper stickers plastered on them, the most common of which was a reference to 'Picard/Riker '92'. "Bet it's Sith Sings the Blues...who's the lead singer?" I asked.
"His stage name is 'Adult Harm'...but he looks kind of familiar...," Obi answered, eyes widening as one of the guitar cases fell open, scattering a variety of sex toys across the floor. "Hey...that's a fingertip vibrator!" he said loudly, pointing. "And aren't those the glow-in-the-dark condoms you said everyone was using at Yoda's birthday party?" He turned to Qui-Gon, who was busily burying his nose in a magazine.
"Umm?" Qui-Gon murmured, apparently extremely absorbed in the details for a slinky set of purple lingerie, and avoiding all the looks that were being sent our way in response to Obi's comment.
A loud "POOMPF!" from the opposite corner distracted everyone, however, and I turned to see a young man in a black student robe and a red and gold school tie staring at two glasses of very weak tea, his face covered in soot and his hair standing on end. A red-haired boy next to him (dressed identically) grinned, then cleared his throat importantly and waved an oaken wand over the tea. The wand emitted a blinding green light where it was bound with cello tape and when we could see again, the young man was looking around with a shocked expression. "Harry? Harry! Where'd you go, Harry?"
Qui-Gon lowered his magazine, blinking, and Obi snickered as a tiny boy with round glasses and a jagged mark on his forehead pulled himself up onto the tabletop and stamped his tiny feet, black student robe flapping angrily. He was no taller than the glasses of tea he was standing next to. His voice was too high to carry far, but his arm-waving and the brightly flushed face of the red-haired lad were quite expressive enough, as was the squeal emitted by the similarly clad young lady who was approaching the table, hands full of dinner plates and coffee mugs large enough to satisfy the thirst of a Hutt. She dropped the plates and mugs, scooping up the tiny boy and cuddling him to her chest as she harangued the red-head before hurrying out of the building, dropping a sweet kiss onto the tiny boy's head as she passed thru the door, chattering something about warts.
Obi snuggled up against Qui-Gon with a pained look, ducking under his arm and cuddling close. "Ewww, heterosexuals are so disgusting!" He grimaced, then suddenly sat up with a startled expression on his face. I glanced down as something soft and fluffy hopped past my feet and we all watched in surprise as a large multicolored bunny with big, sharp teeth hopped out from under our table and vanished off into the swirling crowd.
"Damn...there goes another one." I turned back to stare at Obi, and glared. "Like we don't already have enough of those little monsters running around."
Obi looked abashed. "Sorry. I don't know what came over me...."
"Bah-bah bee dooo...buh-buh-bah booo.... Bee-bee-bee-dooo, bee-dooo...Bee-dooo...." A high-pitched voice cut thru the coffee house chatter, sounding like nothing so much as Frank Sinatra on helium.
Qui-Gon looked pained and buried his nose in his magazine again, sinking down in his seat as Obi squealed excitedly, clapping his hands and bouncing in his seat. "It's Ping Yapsby! I love Ping Yapsby!" Qui-Gon pulled out a pair of red and blue 3D glasses, put them on, and tried to slide a little farther away from Obi.
I grinned, amused, then frowned as a pair of small chubby men with very curly hair crawled out from under our table. They were dressed in footsie PJs and seemed to be looking for something, as they didn't even look at me, heading for the next table and ducking under it. Dave (he was wearing a nametag), the slightly taller, blonde one, was muttering something about sideboards, and the shorter fellow was saying something about "Sam's checking the kitchens, got no sideboard here...," and "Dunno what set him off this time...think we ought to call Julie?" I just shook my head as they vanished under the table.
On the stage, at a microphone that could not have been more than six inches high, was a puff of electric orange fur. "Buh-buh, boo-doo do...Buh-buh-buh-booo...." If the voice weren't so high-pitched, I would have said the puffball was crooning into the mic, eyes half closed as he swayed dreamily. Behind him, three rodents in turtlenecks started to sing backup, their high, wavering voices providing perfect accompaniment to the tiny singer. One of the rodents had on a baseball cap and had a big 'A' on the front of his floor-length turtleneck...not exactly formal dress, but then, this WAS only a coffee house.
I blinked, looking at Obi. "Ummm...Obi? Is that a Pomeranian?" Obi, entranced, had pulled out a squishy computer stress toy in the shape of a leopard-print umbrella and was kneading it into obscene shapes, completely enraptured by the music. I gave up. "Ah...I'll be right back. I think the line's gone down...." I stood and began making my way back to the counter, hoping the knot-tailed fellow had finally made up his mind.
Reaching the front of the coffee house, I got behind a little purple lizard with long yellow whiskers and a man who appeared to be dressed as a six foot tall, gray tabby cat. A very handsome, six foot tall, gray tabby cat. With the most amazing stripes...I couldn't help myself. I counted the ones on his face (there were thirteen!) before I realized what I was doing and managed to look away. The lizard was saying, "So he says 'What's your name?' and I whisper 'Ling!' and she says back to me 'But his name is Ling', pointing to this other fella...but the captain, he says 'I didn't ask what his name was! What's your name?' and I started to suggest something else, but I sneezed and she says 'Ah...choo?' and the captain, he gets this look on his face and he says 'Achoo?' and, anyway, by the end of it, she says her name is.... Munk? Ah...Munk?" The tabby wasn't paying attention anymore, having been distracted by someone pulling his tail.
The end of the gray and black tangle of yarn was held by an extremely well-built blond man in a cloth diaper. His eyes wide with child-like wonder, he was petting the tail gently, turning it to and fro in his hands as if fascinated. The tabby moved forward with the line, watching with amusement as the blond man followed along after. After a moment, the well-muscled blonde looked up and said, "It's just a jump to the left, and then a step to the right...and then I don't know the rest. Do you?", in a frighteningly deep voice.
This was going to be a long night....
End
NOTES: Ever so long ago, Master Ruth (on the Master Apprentice list) posted a Challenge for a 500 word NC-17 or R story that involved one (or more) of listed situations, three (or more) of listed random items, and two (or more) of listed characters or type of characters. I was home ill and I thought I'd take the challenge a step further and just put them ALL in! The result proved rather well received and I got many requests for a sequel...so, here it is. Hope you all liked it!
References from: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Robotech, Star Blazers, Fraggle Rock, Very Secret Diaries, Barney, Teletubbies, Men In Black, Star Wars, Dungeons & Dragons (the cartoon), Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Bagenders, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Mulan, CATS: The Musical, Rocky Horror Picture Show
Items requested: roaring Chewbacca keychain, a lava lamp filled with spare lightsaber parts, purple stapler and staple remover, a tape dispenser, purple file folders, purple post-it notes, a grocery list, a clear deskpad, a small hand-held vacuum, a bag of kitty litter, plaid boxer shorts, a zucchini, an ugly yellow hair scrunchy, a tube of Skin-so-Soft, two pairs of dark sunglasses, an Encyclopedia of Unusual Sexual Practices, black post-it notes written on with a white-ink pen, feather bows in a rainbow of colors, a snowglobe, a hedgehog figurine, four stuffed hedgehogs, a stash of Fun Dip candy, some multicolored ribbons and tinkling bells suitable for entwining in someone's hair, a praying mantis finger puppet, Glinda the Good Witch or Qui-Gon in a Glinda costume, a Force Trivia book, a tube of toothpaste, a Love Bandit Raccoon, a battered guitar case containing a variety of sex toys, a fingertip vibrator, glow-in-the-dark condoms, purple lingerie, footsie PJs, dinner plates, coffee mugs large enough to satisfy the thirst of a Hutt, a singing Pomeranian in the style of old-time crooners, a squishy computer stress toy, a leopard print umbrella
Situations: Yoda's Birthday Party, Qui-Gon and Obi eating extra-long noodles, hear Obi utter the line, "Ewww, heterosexuals are so disgusting!" as he snuggles up to Qui, Rocky from Rocky Horror Picture Show speaks, a special session of Sith Sings The Blues with Darth Maul (yes, it is Darth Maul… it's an anagram. You don't think he'd go by his REAL name, do you? Where's the fun in THAT?)
I also had a special request to please 'be sure to put in a little Harry Potter, again!'. Hope my 'little Harry Potter' qualifies.
